The Good Child

“The obedience which is expected of the child both in the home and in the school – and obedience admitting neither of reason nor of justice – prepares man to be docile to blind forces. ” ~ Maria Montessori

Annabelle seemed to be the ideal Montessori child. She was friendly, helpful, cooperative, quiet, and focused on her work, which she always completed with great care. She was well-liked by both her teachers and peers. In high school, Annabelle earned numerous awards for her academic achievements and extracurricular activities. She went on to have an outwardly illustrious college career and was often featured in “alumni achievement” posts on her Montessori alma mater’s social media accounts.

You may have had a child like this in your classroom who seemed to be the model student. They were a joy to have—they followed classroom ground rules, were engaged in their work and lessons, cooperated with adults and always seemed to be doing the “right thing.”  If every child behaved this way, teaching might feel effortless.

Yet, something seemed out of balance.

Perhaps you’ve even shared a quiet joke with a colleague: “My goal for Annabelle is for her to get in trouble—just once—before the school year ends.”

While said in humor, this remark often springs from a deeper concern—an intuition that something isn’t quite right.

Children learn best through experience, and that includes making mistakes. The self-correcting materials in a Montessori classroom provide continuous opportunities for trial and error. This learning process is not limited to academic work, but applies to social development as well (Lillard, 2017).

Although Grace and Courtesy lessons are foundational for teaching social skills, they represent only the beginning – the first period of the learning the social skill. Children need ongoing practice to truly internalize these skills—and practice inevitably involves mistakes – the second period of the lesson. Learning to live and work together in a classroom community is a complex, sometimes messy process (Standing, 1957). 

This is why the so called “good child” raises concern. This child doesn’t seem to make the same developmentally typical social mistakes or face the same challenges their peers encounter. Their behavior is often passive—they might avoid conflict, be externally motivated, rely heavily on teacher direction, focus heavily on rules, strive for perfection, work quietly, and readily accommodate others (Dreikurs, Grunwald, & Pepper, 2004). 

Because this atypical behavior is not only socially acceptable but often rewarded by adults, it may go unnoticed or unaddressed—particularly when more overt behavioral challenges in the classroom demand immediate attention.

If your intuition whispers, “Something feels off,” listen to it!

Misbehavior, at its core, is a mistaken belief about what one needs to do to find a sense of belonging and significance. The “good child” often believes that perfection is the path to this social connection and acceptance. Ironically, this “good behavior” can itself be a form of misbehavior—because it does not foster true connection and genuine relationships.

This was Annabelle’s story. Despite her academic achievements and outward social success—both during and after her time in Montessori—Annabelle struggled to form authentic connections with her peers and experienced ongoing anxiety. Her “good child” behavior, though praised and encouraged, ultimately led to a sense of separation rather than genuine belonging. 

Strong and resilient relationships develop through navigating mistakes and challenges together, with mutual support.  Without these opportunities, children miss vital opportunities to cultivate life and relationship skills such as patience, tolerance, forgiveness, empathy, flexibility, and the ability to make amends (Nelsen, 2006).

Rudolf Dreikurs highlighted that passive misbehavior may be more concerning than active misbehavior precisely because it often goes unnoticed—it aligns with social expectations. The “good child” is agreeable and compliant, rarely requiring redirection. Yet, as Dreikurs reminds us:

“[Actively misbehaving children] can be induced to use constructive methods [to find connection], if such channels are opened to them; but it is difficult to change a passive child into an active one.” (Dreikurs, 1968)

This raises important questions for us as Montessori educators: How do we support these children? How do we gently encourage them to take risks, make mistakes, test limits, open up to others, embrace playfulness, or advocate for themselves and others?

Note: Some children with undiagnosed learning differences may adopt “good child” behaviors as a way to mask their struggles, effectively “flying under the radar” as adults focus their attention on redirecting more active classroom disturbances.

The Good Child and Planes of Development

Children’s House (Ages 3-6) – Children begin to exhibit signs of “good child” misbehavior in early childhood as they internalize adult and environmental expectations. Common manifestations include passivity, conformity, being overly responsible for their age, lack of spontaneity, avoidance of challenging tasks, and a strong desire to please adults and other children. More active behaviors may include policing or controlling peers’ behavior and tattling.

Elementary (Ages 6-12) – “Good child” misbehavior takes on more concerning characteristics during the second plane of development. Children may suppress emotions, fail to set reasonable and appropriate boundaries, be overly polite, rarely break ground rules or social norms, and exhibit shame or denial when confronted by peers or adults. They may avoid conflict and challenging social situations, rarely take leadership opportunities, focus more on academic products rather than the learning process, avoid risks, and never seem to “get in trouble.” Social relationships at this stage may also be superficial. As in the Children’s House, more active behaviors might include taking on adult roles that are incompatible with their age, such as policing other children’s behavior or identifying more with adults than peers.

Adolescence (Ages 12-18) – During adolescence, “good child” behavior becomes even more observable and often more concerning. Adolescents may display many of the same behaviors seen in elementary students, but the consequences are heightened because this is a sensitive period for individuation and identity formation. Without exploration and risk-taking, these characteristics may inhibit full development. Behaviors such as people-pleasing, perfectionism, conflict avoidance, failure to take healthy risks (socially, academically, or personally), shallow peer relationships, and excessive conflict avoidance contradict normal adolescent development. 

“Good child” behavior in adolescents may also include appearing more responsible than expected for their age. While they may seek to identify or align with adults, this unique form of misbehavior often results in superficial relationships with peers and adults, as aligning with adults breaks typical adolescent social norms. More overt behaviors may include competitiveness, intolerance of others’ mistakes, and a lack of empathy.

The long-term consequences of “good child” behavior can be significant and should not be overlooked. Repressed emotions, anxiety, depression, poor boundary-setting, social isolation, and developmental delays are common outcomes. These patterns may emerge later as high-risk behaviors, when the stakes are much greater. While parents may believe they have successfully avoided the typical challenges of adolescence, what appears as compliance may, in fact, represent a postponement of essential developmental work rather than true prevention.

Preparation of the Environment and the Adults

• Model and Celebrate Making Mistakes – Children are influenced not only by adult expectations but also by adults’ modeling. An adult who appears never to make mistakes may unintentionally send the message that it’s not OK to make a mistake. Be sure to share your own mistakes openly. Intentionally point them out and model how correcting mistakes is vital to learning and growth.
• Model Having Fun – Have impromptu dance parties, play with children on the playground, take time to read together, sing songs, read poetry, and tell jokes. Let the “good child” know that having fun and being human is encouraged!
• Demonstrate Unconditional Acceptance – “Good child” behavior may not always warrant traditional correction or redirection, but children watch closely how adults respond to misbehavior. Avoid punitive responses and respond kindly and firmly when children misbehave. This sends the message: “You can be loved and accepted even when you need to be redirected!”
• Provide Opportunities for Creativity – The child may be overly focused on rules, linear progressions, rote tasks, or areas where they feel more naturally talented. Provide and encourage creative, process-oriented work—such as visual and performing arts, creative writing, music, and poetry.
• Provide Opportunities for Natural Conflict – Group projects and team-building games—especially with elementary and adolescent students—offer valuable opportunities for natural conflict. Because the focus is usually on the objective rather than personal relationships, these settings create a low-stakes environment to practice conflict resolution and relationship skills.
• Focus on Process, Not Outcome – While this principle may be well understood by Montessorians, it is easy to fall into the trap of letting external pressures for academic achievement unintentionally influence how we interact with children. Use encouragement rather than praise. Encouragement focuses on the child’s effort, progress, and process; praise centers on adult expectations and outcomes. Research by Carol Dweck shows that verbal encouragement supports risk-taking and self-confidence. (Dweck, 2006).
• Ensure Consistent Adult Communication – Because “good child” misbehavior is often reinforced by adults, be sure to communicate goals and plans for this child with all adults who work with them. The child will need consistent support and encouragement from all adults to find more constructive ways to experience belonging and significance.
• Class Meeting – Through problem-solving in the Class Meeting children experience, firsthand, that mistakes are truly an opportunity to learn and grow, together, and that no one is “in trouble” or rejected when they make mistakes, even when those mistakes are big!

Grace and Courtesy Skills

• Making and Correcting Mistakes – Ask children how they feel when they make mistakes? Ask how they feel when they make mistakes?  Are mistakes bad?  Why not?  Practice acknowledging mistakes.  Brainstorm ideas and role-play how to correct mistakes – acknowledging, repairing, offering help, etc.
• Making Amends – When we make amends for a relational mistake, our relationship is often stronger than it was before we made the mistake. Teach and practice The Three R’s of Recovery (PDMC, pages 211-212).
• Forgiveness – Like making amends, teaching forgiveness skills can help children learn that their mistakes can be forgiven, and they can forgive others. Share that forgiveness means showing kindness, respect towards someone who hasn’t been kind and respectful to them; (it is not excusing or explaining away hurtful behavior). Make a list of instances where children might need to forgive.  Ask, what might forgiveness look like in each situation.  Role-play some of the ideas.
• Sharing Feelings – Teach children the names of various feelings. With younger children, use a feeling faces chart (PDMC, page 205).  Practice naming feelings and sharing feelings in group settings and individually.  Use prompting questions, privately, to support the process of sharing feelings when the “good child” is upset or happy.  “It sounds like you’re embarrassed. Is that how you’re feeling?” or “Is it possible that you’re feeling proud of your hard work and effort?”
• Assertiveness and Conflict Resolution Skills – Conflict can feel threatening to a child exhibiting “good child” behavior. What if they are wrong?  Teach students how to be assertive without criticism and blame using I Language for elementary and adolescent students and Bugs and Wishes for young children (PDMC, pages 202-206,).  Role-play using these tools with all students at the beginning of the school year. 

General Responses

1. Let Go of Minor Misbehaviors – Accept and embrace behavioral mistakes as part of healthy development. Not every behavior requires correction; sometimes, the most supportive response is to simply let it go.
2. Listen and Provide Choices – This may sound like a familiar Montessori practice, but with a child who tends to ignore their own needs in order to meet adult expectations—real or perceived—it must become an intentional focus. Take the time to listen reflectively and validate their feelings. This helps children learn to listen to themselves. Let them know you want them to make their own choices.
3. Redirect People-Pleasing Behavior – Gently challenge the child when it seems like they are making a choice to please you rather than themselves. Ask reflective questions such as: “Is this really what you want to do, or is it what you think I want you to do?”, “It sounds like you might be trying to make me happy. What would make me happy is for you to make a choice that makes you”, “What do you think?”, “What feels right for you?”, “What is your gut (or inner voice) telling you?” These moments may require both encouragement and firmness.
4. Use Humor – Embrace your own sense of humor—and the child’s. Use humor to show that it’s safe to take risks and make mistakes. Be silly, spontaneous, and imperfect. You may be surprised by the connection and confidence this human exchange creates.
5. Celebrate Mistakes – Normalize and celebrate mistakes as learning opportunities. Say things like: “Oh good! I made a mistake. Now I get to learn something new—or improve on something I already knew.”, “Congratulations on your mistake!”
6. Observe to Encourage – Watch closely for even the smallest signs of progress in risk-taking, mistake-making, and making amends. Record what you observe and offer specific encouragement based on those observations.
7. Set Goals for Making Mistakes – Redirect the child’s desire to please you toward healthy experimentation and growth. Try saying: “I want you to make two mistakes today. Do you think you can do it?” This helps reinforce the message: You are loved and accepted—even when you make mistakes.
8. Use Conversational Curiosity Questions – Use Conversational Curiosity Questions (Positive Discipline in the Montessori Classroom, pages 194-199) to help children reflect and learn from their mistakes in a constructive, connected way: “What happened?”, “Tell me about it.”, “How did you feel when that happened?”, “What did you learn?”, “Congratulations!” 

Mistaken Goal Responses

“A misbehaving child is a discouraged child.” ~ Rudoph Dreikurs

When children feel supported and encouraged in the classroom environment, and they know they belong (are loved) and feel significant (through responsibility and contribution), they thrive.  With guidance, they develop kindness and respect for others and themselves and discover how capable they are. 

When children feel discouraged, they misbehave, because they have a mistaken belief about how to belong and feel significant.  As Rudolph Dreikurs observed children, he identified four mistaken goals that children adopt when they feel discouraged. 

Below, you will find practical ideas for helping to support positive change for the behavior of negative leadership and peer pressure for each mistaken goal:

Undo Attention (Notice Me. Involve Me Usefully) – Rudolph Dreikurs found that “good child” behavior is most often associated with the mistaken goal of Undo Attention (Dreikurs & Gray, 1968).  Children with this mistaken goal will seek to please adults through “good behavior” with the motivation of being noticed and get special service (doing for me that which I can do for myself). 

Responses: Involve in useful tasks that serve others.   Involve in group-problem solving activities or projects.  Plan special time doing activities where you can model mistake-making (a puzzle, game, etc.).  Encourage creative expression. Use Reflective Listening to support the child in expressing their feelings.  Redirect tattling behavior to the Class Meeting.  Work with child to develop their own goals.  Avoid praise for “good behavior.”  Give encouragement for helping others, sharing feelings, making mistakes and making progress on individual goals.

Misguided Power (Let Me Help. Give Me Choices) – A child with the mistaken goal of Misguided Power will exhibit “good child” behavior to demonstrate that they are in control and avoid adult intervention.  Their behaviors may be more active, including tattling, policing and taking on adult-like responsibilities. 

Responses: Redirect tattling or policing behavior to useful help. “Yes, he did walk on the mat.  How might you help him?”  Explore the child’s interests to help develop process-oriented work vs. rote or task-oriented work. Provide collaboration and leadership opportunities, especially where the child can act as a mentor.  Avoid giving directives; instead, involve the student in problem-solving.  Reinforce that “fair” is not when everyone gets the same thing but when everyone gets what they need.

Revenge (I’m Hurting.  Validate My Feelings) – Children who have Revenge as their mistaken goal will sometimes exhibit “good child” behavior to find favor with adults or peers until they feel hurt, and then they act out and hurt others.  Adults might observe, “I can’t believe she did that; she was being such an angel.”  This can be confusing. 

Responses: Take time to explore and validate the child’s feelings when the child is not feeling hurt – show them you will listen.  Show unconditional love and acceptance when they make mistakes – even mistakes that hurt others.  Focus on repair not punishment. Encourage creative expression.  Teach assertive language, especially I Language and Bugs and Wishes.  Provide opportunities for making mistakes where there is low risk for criticism by peers.  Use Conversational Curiosity Questions after the child has cooled down to debrief hurtful social interactions.

Assumed Inadequacy (Don’t Give Up on Me.  Show Me a Small Step) – A child with Assumed Inadequacy as their mistaken goal, will exhibit “good child” behavior as a way of giving up (not taking risks or making mistakes) or being left alone (flying under the radar). 

Responses: Put the child on your lesson plan for frequent check-ins.  Take time to closely observe activity during the day.  Redirect from “busy work” to purposeful work (Montessori materials).  Break multi-step work and tasks into bite-sized pieces.  Provide opportunities for the child to experience and work through challenges or discomfort – with support and encouragement.  Start small when metering out challenges, providing opportunities for many small successes.  When supporting the child to work through a challenge, Work, With, Work Near, Let Them Work Independently.  Model making mistakes.

Josh’s Story

As I was writing this article, I met Montessori adolescent guide Joshua Duelm at a workshop I was leading for the Montessori School of San Antonio. During an activity on Mistaken Goals, I shared an example of “good child” behavior—how it often goes unaddressed and can lead to more serious consequences later in life.

At lunch, Josh pulled me aside and said, “You told my story when you talked about the ‘good child’ being a form of misbehavior. I experienced those consequences you described when I was in college.  I found myself wishing I had had an adult in my life who recognized and guided me through my insecurities.”   

Josh explained that during his elementary years, his family faced serious financial struggles. He remembered worrying about his parents, wanting to help, and not wanting to add to their stress. That experience shaped his thinking: he decided he would go to college to earn a good living and support his family.

When he shared his plan with his parents, they responded gently but honestly: “We don’t have the money to send you to college. You’d have to get all A’s to earn a full-ride scholarship.” Josh made up his mind—at just nine years old—to get perfect grades and be the ideal child. As he put it, “There was a lot I couldn’t control in my life at that time, but I knew I could control how hard I worked and the grades I got.” He believed that by excelling, he could protect and support his parents.

“The individual is not determined by heredity or environment but by the meanings he gives to his experiences.” (Alfred Adler, 1958)

Psychologist, Alfred Adler believed that while we are influenced by our circumstances, it is ultimately our decisions—our interpretations, goals, and chosen responses—that shape who we are. Decisions are potent. Josh’s decision was potent.

In school, Josh described himself as someone who pleased his teachers but felt distant from his classmates. “I didn’t mix with the kids who got in trouble, and I would help the teacher enforce the rules.  I developed a mission for justice.  Of course, my ‘gold star’ behavior was rewarded by adults but punished by my peers, who didn’t trust me

As Josh got older, his “good child” behavior took on new forms. “We lived in a big football town. I wasn’t a great football player. But I was a very good student, and I knew more than most kids—sometimes even more than my teachers. I joined the debate team, and that’s when I learned to weaponize my intellect. Knowing ‘the rules’ and ‘performing’ helped me feel powerful, like I had control.”

True to his decision, Josh graduated from high school with straight A’s. He earned the scholarship his parents had said was necessary for college and enrolled at Rice University to study education, with the goal of becoming a history teacher. Just as he had done in high school, he worked hard and maintained straight A’s—until his senior year, when he began his student teaching practicum.

“As a student, I’d always believed that following the rules—like mastering the content—would lead to success,” he said. “But during my practicum, I hit a wall. There were too many variables, especially with student relationships. If a student misbehaved, I’d respond with my ‘gold star’ mindset—look up the right response in a textbook. But I couldn’t control students like I could a test. I was overwhelmed by everything that didn’t respond to my usual approach. I failed my first practicum and had a real crisis. Pleasing others, working hard, following rules, being superior—none of those strategies worked in a real classroom with real humans.”

When I asked how he got through that experience, Josh credited the unconditional love of his wife. “My formula didn’t work in our relationship either. But she loved me even when I made mistakes. That helped me start believing that mistakes really are learning opportunities. Missing the mark doesn’t have to mean shame or guilt—it just means you’re not there… YET.”

“Realizing that discomfort is part of growth helped me let go of my ‘gold star’ mindset. I came to understand that we all deserve grace. That insight changed how I see justice. It’s no longer just about punishment—justice is about moving forward together, fairly, and with compassion. It’s liberation from the feeling of inadequacy, which drove my misbehavior.”

“As a teacher now, I strive to create an environment where students aren’t rewarded for simply pleasing the teacher or performing perfectly. I want them to learn how to work together, to recognize their own worth, and to value learning through shared experience.”

Sounds like a Montessori classroom.

References

Brown, B. B., & Larson, J. (2009). Peer Relationships in Adolescence. In R. M. Lerner & L. Steinberg (Eds.), Handbook of Adolescent Psychology (3rd ed.).

Dreikurs, R., & Grey, L. (1968). Psychology in the classroom: A manual for teachers (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Harper & Row.

Dreikurs, R., Grunwald, B. B., & Pepper, F. C. (2004). Maintaining sanity in the classroom: Classroom management techniques. Taylor & Francis.

Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. New York: Random House.

Lillard, A. S. (2017). Montessori: The science behind the genius (3rd ed.). Oxford University Press.

Montessori, M. (1956). Citizen of the world (p. 118). Kalakshetra.

Montessori, M. (1995). The absorbent mind (C. Claremont, Trans.). New York, NY: Henry Holt. (Original work published 1949)

Nelsen, J. (2006). Positive Discipline: The classic guide to helping children develop self‑discipline, responsibility, cooperation, and problem‑solving skills (Revised & updated ed.). New York, NY: Ballantine Books.

Nelsen, J., & DeLorenzo, C. (2021). Positive Discipline in the Montessori Classroom: Preparing an environment that fosters respect, kindness & responsibility. Fair Oaks, CA: Parent Child Press.

Standing, E. M. (1957). Maria Montessori: Her life and work. Plume.

©2025 Chip DeLorenzo