Teasing

So I repeat that we cannot give principles by teaching them but by prolonged social experience. (Montessori, 2019)

The issue of teasing is something most of us understand. Being teased as a child can feel incredibly isolating and lonely. Chances are, at some point growing up, you’ve been on the receiving end of teasing—and, if we’re being honest, you’ve probably dished it out too. Very few of us escape its impact, whether as the teaser or the teased. We all know the sting of a well-timed put-down, a joke at our expense, or a so-called “compliment” that doesn’t feel so kind. So, it’s no surprise that when we see children going through the same thing in our classrooms, it hits close to home. Teasing can hurt—a lot.

One thing is for sure: children will tease, and children will be teased, especially as they move into the second plane of development. Teasing is one of the most common misbehaviors we encounter, but it’s also complicated. What seems like harmless fun to one child might feel like exclusion or rejection to another. At the same time, teasing isn’t always negative—it can be a way to bond, lighten the mood, or even show affection.

Since teasing is both unavoidable and complex, it’s important to understand why children do it, recognize the different types of teasing, and find ways to help them navigate these challenging social situations. That means teaching children how to be empathetic and kind, helping them build resilience and problem-solving skills.  It also means creating a classroom community where everyone takes part in making sure kindness, respect, and responsibility are the norm.

Types of Teasing 

Teasing can be defined as a social interaction with the intent of provoking or eliciting a reaction from someone else.   Teasing behaviors can range from playful and humorous to hurtful or bullying. (Drew, 1987).  These interactions begin in infancy and evolve as children develop.

There are different types of teasing, and before we dive into why children do it, it’s important to understand these differences. That way, we can handle teasing in a way that supports everyone involved.

1. Playful Teasing is good natured and isn’t meant to hurt anyone. The children involved understand this. Playful teasing might include inside jokes, lighthearted banter, or friendly “ribbing.” In fact, playful teasing can actually help strengthen friendships! But for it to be positive, both the teaser and the teased need to be on the same page and recognize that the intent is friendly.
2. Hurtful Teasing is when teasing crosses the line and causes harm. Whether it’s intentional or not, it can make a child feel embarrassed, excluded, or upset. This kind of teasing often targets things like a child’s appearance, abilities, or differences. Children sometimes use hurtful teasing to try to fit in or establish their place in a social group, but it can leave lasting emotional scars.
3. Bullying happens when teasing is mean-spirited and there’s a clear power imbalance. Teasing becomes bullying when the behavior is targeted, repeated, deliberate, and meant to cause physical or emotional harm. (Kallman, 2021). Unlike playful or hurtful teasing, bullying isn’t about having fun, maintaining social norms or establishing one’s place in a group—it’s about control. This type of behavior can have serious, long-term effects on a child’s mental and emotional well-being. (We will cover bullying in more detail in a future article because preventing and responding to it requires a very intentional, focused approach by teachers and administrators.)

Note: Other forms of teasing have been identified. We will focus on general forms of teasing for the sake of clarity and addressing teasing as a misbehavior. 

Why Do Children Tease?

Infants and Toddlers

Teasing is something children do at every stage of their development, and it starts surprisingly early! Even toddlers tease. You might not think of it as teasing, but playful interactions like peek-a-boo or when a toddler offers you something and then pulls it away are actually forms of teasing. My youngest, who is 2, absolutely loves a game we call “BABY!!” In it, I shout, “Baby, get back here!” She bursts into laughter and runs away while I chase her. That’s teasing—playing with someone to get a reaction. It’s happening the first half of the first plane of development between toddlers and trusted adults (Winkler, 2020).

Children’s House

Once children enter the second half of the first plane of development (3-6 years old), they start becoming more aware of how they interact with others. They experiment with social norms and humor, which often comes out in the form of teasing—like name-calling, making silly faces, or excluding others.

At this stage, children don’t yet have the ability to interpret how others might feel. So, it’s here that we start seeing more hurtful teasing, sometimes without even meaning to. For example, I witnessed a young child saying, “You’re fat,” to another child’s mother.  His statement appeared to be innocent.  However, that’s not how it landed for the subject of his statement. Teasing can also become intentional for older children in the Children’s House.  They may call each other names, mimic one other, or become competitive.

Elementary

In the second plane of development, teasing becomes more intentional and nuanced.  Hurtful teasing becomes commonplace, as children experiment with group dynamics, social hierarchies and peer relationships.  Common forms of hurtful teasing in an elementary classroom might be name-calling, making fun of differences, sarcasm and exclusion.

Elementary children are in the sensitive period for socialization and justice.  They often tease in an attempt to find their place (belonging) or status (significance) within their friend groups or the classroom community.  “I can draw faces way better than you!”  They may also tease to enforce social norms and fairness. “You’re a cheater. You’re not playing with us.” 

Elementary students will engage in playful teasing, where the intent is understood by everyone involved, but not until they are older.  Younger elementary students (ages 6-9) are still developing perspective, and even if teasing is intended to be playful, it is often interpreted as hurtful.  If you have taught lower elementary students, no doubt you know this to be true.  “I was just kidding!”, says one student, while the other child is curled up in a ball crying. 

As elementary aged children reach the later stages of the second plane of development (around ages 10-12) they are able to interpret the difference between playful and hurtful teasing.  As a matter of fact, studies have shown that their playful teasing starts to increase positive interactions among friends (Mills 2018). 

Adolescents

When children reach early adolescence, teasing becomes even more layered. Teenagers know how to use sarcasm, irony, and even subtle digs. They’ve developed better social awareness and are more sensitive to what others think of them, all while figuring out who they are. So, while teasing can still be playful, teens also have the ability to be very hurtful—especially since social media allows their teasing to reach a wider audience, making it easier to target someone’s vulnerabilities.

But here’s the interesting part: despite all the potential for hurtful teasing, friendly banter is still a big part of friendships at this age. Adolescents understand each other’s intentions better and recognize that relationships can survive, even grow stronger, through teasing and conflict. That’s why playful teasing in friendships can actually have a positive impact, helping them feel a sense of belonging (Rawlins, 1992).

Addressing Teasing in the Classroom

When it comes to teasing, the adult’s response is key. This can be complicated if a teacher has painful personal experiences with teasing from their own childhood. Not wanting a child to experience the pain and isolation that can come with teasing is a natural and compassionate goal.  However, this desire to help carries with it the possibility of making the situation worse.

When adults rush to help a child being hurtfully teased, hoping to bring empathy and justice, their strong reaction can convey an unintended message, “You aren’t able handle this.” They also run the risk of alienating the teasing child, by sending the message, “I’m not on your side.”

It’s important to support the child who is being teased and the child teasing. Teasing is a chance for both children to learn skills like resilience, empathy and repairing relationships. Social mistakes are a natural part of development.  A lecture about “being nice” is not enough—it’s through mistakes that children build emotional maturity.

Addressing teasing effectively means supporting everyone involved. Teasing affects everyone in the community, the “teaser”, the “teasee,” and the classroom community. Especially in elementary and adolescent classrooms more than two children are involved, whether actively or passively. When this is the case, one-on-one conflict resolution isn’t always enough. That’s where Class Meetings become so important—they allow everyone to have a voice in solving the problem.  When children help set and maintain norms in Class Meetings, they learn to use their influence constructively, promoting respect and dignity for all involved.

Environment and Teacher

• Use Class Meetings Proactively: Even in the most peaceful of Montessori environments, children will tease and be teased. Don’t wait until children have problems to talk about teasing.  When children are prepared for inevitable challenges, they have a greater chance of successfully navigating those challenges.
• Model Caring for All Students Involved: Avoid assumptions and check in with everyone involved in an incident. Is there a backstory that you need to understand?  Sometimes an apparent victim might have been the instigator, or what appears to be playful teasing is actually hurtful.    Listening with an open mind rarely backfires.
• Get Parents on Your Team: Share about teasing at the beginning of the year. Explain why children experiment with this behavior, and how you handle it in the classroom.  Teach parents about Conversational Curiosity Questions when their children report that they have been teased.  This is a very effective way to avoid rescuing and get to know their child even better!
• Incorporate Literature That Addresses Teasing: For elementary aged children, The Hundred Dresses is a classic for Upper Elementary children and Adolescents.  Here is a great resource list for Children’s House and Lower Elementary aged children.    
• Be Aware of Your Own Use of Teasing: Playful teasing should be used with discretion. A child may find it hurtful, and not say anything.  Younger children do not understand sarcasm.  If you wonder if your teasing may have hurt a child’s feelings, check in with them to find out.  “I teased you earlier.  Did I hurt your feelings?”  If so, be sure to make amends.  What a wonderful way to model repairing mistakes!
• Avoid Rescuing: Everyone has something to learn when teasing happens.  A harsh or rescuing reaction by the adult can support a dynamic where both children see themselves as the victim (the teasing child a victim of the teacher and the teased child as a victim of another student).  In this situation, the result is often a cycle of retaliation where the teasing child retaliates by teasing when the teacher isn’t looking, and the teased child by enlisting the help of the teacher.

 Grace and Courtesy Skills

• Empathy: Brainstorm together, “How does it feel when you are teased?”, “How many of you have hurt someone by teasing?” (be sure to raise your own hand), “What can we do when we’re teased?”, “What can we do when someone else teases a friend or classmate?”, “What can we do when we realize we may have hurt someone (apologize, check-in, etc.)?”
• Responses to Teasing: Teach children – and practice – what to say or do when someone is teasing them: How to let it go, walk away, answer with a witty comeback, use humor, or redirect the conversation.  Brainstorm together, responses children have used to deflect teasing and maintain their dignity in a situation.  Sensitive children, especially, need to know how to respond to teasing in a way that helps them develop resilience.  Here is a wonderful resource: https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/easing-the-teasing.
• Sticking Up for a Friend or Classmate: “What can you say to someone who is teasing hurtfully?”, “How can you say it, so they know you mean it, without being mean?”
• Hurtful Teasing vs. Playful Teasing: Discuss the differences between each type of teasing.  “What does each type of teasing sound like?”, “What does each feel like?”, “How does each type of teasing affect someone else? “
• Checking In: If a child sees that they may have hurt some else’s feelings, teach them to check in with the other child privately.  “Did I hurt your feelings?”
• Assertiveness Skills: How to say, “Stop!”, or “How to be kind and firm, at the same time.  What does it look like, what does it sound like?
• Identify and Teach Lagging Social Skills: As you observe interactions in your classroom, identify possible lagging social skills in children who are teasing or being teased.  Take time to teach and practice these skills in Class Meetings and individually for children who need support.

 Responses

• Class Meetings: Class Meetings are one of the most powerful tools for addressing teasing because they allow the community to work together to solve the problem, rather than placing the responsibility solely on the teacher. This helps prevent unintentionally reinforcing a victim-aggressor dynamic. When a child is being teased, ask if they would like to bring it to the Class Meeting for group support. During the meeting, allow time for discussion before brainstorming solutions, giving children an opportunity to validate feelings and offer insight. Addressing teasing in this setting benefits everyone—the child being teased, the child teasing, and the community—while fostering empathy, resilience, and responsibility.
• Individual Conflict Resolution: If only two children are involved, encourage them to resolve the conflict using your established conflict resolution process after they have had time to cool down. Cooling down is essential for effective problem-solving. For simple conflict resolution models tailored to Children’s House, Elementary, and Adolescent classrooms, see pages 223–227 in Positive Discipline in the Montessori Classroom.
• Reflective Listening: Not every problem requires direct adult intervention. Reflective listening helps children feel heard and understood, which is sometimes all they need. In fact, children often begin to solve their own problems when adults listen without immediately trying to fix the situation. This is an especially valuable tool for adults who may feel inclined to step in and rescue.
• Conversational Curiosity Questions: Check in with both children involved. How are they feeling? Was the teasing playful or hurtful? What might have led to it? Open-ended questions can help children reflect on their actions and emotions.
• Buddy System: If hurtful teasing becomes a pattern, consider pairing the child being teased with a buddy for intentional support throughout the day. A buddy can offer encouragement, help them seek support from a teacher, or simply provide companionship. Children, especially older elementary and adolescent students, may be more likely to confide in a peer than in an adult.
• Seeking Help from a Teacher: As mentioned in the Tattling article, not all reporting to a teacher is tattling. Children need to know when and how to seek help from a trusted adult. Work with the child being teased to help them recognize when it’s appropriate to ask for support.
• Presence, Warmth, and Silence: When you observe one child teasing another in a hurtful way, respond with warmth and minimal words while remaining fully present. Avoid taking sides. A simple comment like, “It sounds like this conversation might lead to hurt feelings,” followed by a knowing smile, can be enough to diffuse the situation. Check in privately with each child later to debrief.

 Mistaken Goals

“A misbehaving child is a discouraged child.” (Dreikurs, 1964). All children seek a sense of connection within the classroom community. As they grow older, their peers become increasingly important in their quest for belonging and significance. Teasing may provide a child with a temporary sense of justice or status within the group, but it is illusory and fleeting. It does not create the authentic belonging and significance that all children truly seek.

• Undo Attention: Children whose mistaken goal is Undo Attention tease to keep others busy with them or to garner attention. Some whose mistaken goal is Undo Attention may invite teasing in their attempts to gain attention.  Use secret signals to communicate (I notice you’re teasing, or do you need my help).  Enlist their help in helping others who are being teased (useful attention). Use Conversational Curiosity Questions if it appears they are inviting teasing.  Make your presence known (present, warm and silent) when you suspect teasing.  Observe for progress (acts of kindness, resilience, supporting a friend) and give specific encouragement, privately. 
• Misguided Power: A child with Misguided Power as their mistaken goal will tease to prove they are the boss and in control. They may invite teasing by engaging in power struggles with their classmates.  Acknowledge their personal power when talking with them about teasing, I can’t make you stop teasing, Michael, but he seems to be hurting. Remove the audience, not the teaser.  Take time for connection, so they know you care. Encourage positive uses of personal power (helping).  Redirect by asking for meaningful help.  Involve them in finding solutions, and make a game plan, together. 
• Revenge: A child whose mistaken goal is Revenge will tease to hurt others the way they feel hurt. They may invite teasing when they react strongly to teasing by others.  Teach effective responses to teasing for elementary aged children.  Use Reflective Listening and be sure to acknowledge that they may have hurt someone else because they felt hurt.  Avoid sarcasm and be cautious of playful teasing, which may be misinterpreted.  Build trust through connection when the child is not misbehaving.  Avoid making assumptions and responding punitively.  Encourage a Positive Time-Out before conflict resolution.
• Assumed Inadequacy: Children with Assumed Inadequacy as their mistaken goal will tease as their way of giving up because they don’t feel they can belong. Their passivity (whining or futile responses) may invite teasing from others.  As with Revenge, teach effective responses to teasing, and be sure to practice with them.  Avoid rescuing (this is difficult).  Teach assertiveness through a conflict-resolution process.  Set up a buddy system.  Encourage all progress, no matter how small.  Utilize their strengths to help others.  Encourage them to use the Class Meeting to ask for help.

 Monica’s Story

Monica was struggling with the changing dynamics in her friendships. Her close friend, Aidan, had been spending time with two other children in the classroom, and they had started teasing Monica. To Monica, it felt like a betrayal—she and Aidan had been friends since they were three.

Monica’s teacher, Jill, noticed her crying in the Peace Area (the Positive Time-Out area) and asked what was wrong. After listening to Monica explain the teasing situation, Jill said, “I know that some other children in our classroom have also been hurt by teasing. Would you like to bring this up at the Class Meeting to get help from the group? I have a feeling this will help others too.” Monica agreed.

Monica’s concern was added to the agenda for the following week’s Class Meeting. When it was her turn, she shared how she felt excluded and hurt by Aidan and the other children’s teasing. During the discussion, many classmates validated Monica’s feelings by sharing their own experiences of being hurt by teasing. Interestingly, some children also admitted to having teased others in the past.

Nguyen, one of the children who had been teasing, confessed, “I feel guilty because I have been teasing you, Monica.”

Tommy, sitting next to her, added, “You feel guilty when you tease someone else because it hurts them.”

When it was Aidan’s turn to speak, she said, “I’m sorry I hurt you, Monica.”

The group then brainstormed strategies for handling teasing. Monica decided to talk with Aidan privately to see if they could find a way to include new friends while maintaining their own friendship.

After the meeting, Jill reflected on the impact of the discussion. “I’m not sure who benefited most from that Class Meeting,” she said. “Monica seemed relieved to know she wasn’t the only one who had been teased, and she was grateful to have a way to move forward with Aidan. But many of the children who offered ideas were themselves children who had either teased or been teased. Everyone gained something from that meeting.”

References

1. Montessori, M. (2019). Citizen of the world: key montessori readings. Montessori-Pierson Publishing Company.
2. Drew, P. (1987). Po-faced receipts of teases: Assessing a conversational environment for playful deviance. Linguistics, 25(1), 219-253.
3. Kallman, J., Han, J., Vanderbilt, D. (2021). What is bullying. Clinics in Integrated Care, Volume 5.
4. Eckert J, Winkler SL, Cartmill EA. (2020). Just kidding: the evolutionary roots of playful teasing. Biol Lett
5. Rawlins, WK. (1992). Friendship matters: Communication, dialectics, and the life course. Transaction Publications.
6. Mills, C. (2016). Child’s play or risky business? The developmental teasing functions and relational implications in school-aged children. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.
7. Dreikurs, R., Stoltz, V. (1964). Children the challenge. Hawthorne Books, p. 36.
8. Nelsen, J., DeLorenzo, C. (2021). Positive discipline in the montessori classroom. Parent-Child Press.