Tattling

The child who has never learned to act alone, to direct his own actions, to govern his own will, grows into an adult who is easily led and must always lean upon others.  (Montessori, 2019)

“Mr. D, Tommy won’t let me work with Sam by myself.”

“Robert drooled on my paper.”

“Ben is kicking me under the table.”

“Thai Lien is talking about inappropriate things.”

It was October, and I was already longing for summer break! The year had barely begun, but I was exhausted. I had never encountered a group of students who tattled so much. Half of each morning was spent helping children resolve conflicts over what they deemed “serious problems.” As a result, I was accomplishing only a fraction of my planned lessons, and I left school every day feeling discouraged and ineffective. Each morning, I came in pre-irritated, bracing for the inevitable. Have you ever had a year like this?

Tattling can be one of the most challenging and frustrating behaviors for teachers. If not addressed effectively, it can become contagious, as it did in my classroom. But the effects go beyond annoyance. Tattling can harm the classroom community, breeding resentment, distrust (of both adults and peers), attention-seeking behaviors, dependency on adults, power imbalances, and even revenge.

What Is Tattling?

Before we dive deeper, let’s define tattling. Tattling occurs when a child reports another child’s behavior that they could safely and independently address themselves. Tattling is not the same as reporting unsafe behavior or seeking support to resolve a conflict constructively. This distinction—tattling versus telling—is crucial to supporting and guiding children as they build social skills and navigate the classroom community.

During my “Year of Tattling” (YOT), I became so overwhelmed by the sheer volume of reports that I began losing sight of this important difference. Everything they told me felt like tattling. This clouded my judgment, and I began to make errors in distinguishing when the children genuinely needed support and when I should refrain from intervening.

Toddlers and younger children in a primary classroom (ages 1.5 to 3) are just beginning to use language to share problems, set boundaries, and engage socially. When they report a problem or ask for help, it is often an innocent request, though not always delivered gracefully. Similarly, new students of any age often ask for help as they adjust to the classroom’s social norms. These requests may look like tattling but reflect a genuine need for support. Additionally, students with developmental or learning differences may seek support to navigate social situations and report problems out of frustration, which can also appear as tattling.

Tattling as a misbehavior typically begins when children are developing social and problem-solving skills, starting around ages 3–4. At this stage, reporting another child’s misbehavior can take on new motivations. Seeking attention, asserting power, retaliating, or avoiding solving the problem themselves can all manifest in tattling behavior. In the first plane of development, tattling often focuses on “the rules.” By the second plane, it shifts toward issues of “justice.” As children grow older, tattling to adults evolves into tattling to peers, which we also know as gossip (a topic for another article).

Why Do Children Tattle?

Children tattle because it works. Well-meaning adults, eager to help, often intervene. Sometimes, teachers assume the tattler’s account is accurate and address the other child without further inquiry—especially if the child being tattled on has a reputation for misbehavior. Other times, this type of rescuing is more subtle, such as helping resolve a problem the child could handle independently, explaining away another child’s behavior, or promising to “talk to the other child later.”

Whether blatant or subtle, rescuing reinforces tattling. A study by Queen’s University Belfast found that teachers responded positively (either blatantly or subtly reinforcing the behavior) to tattling 69% of the time (Ingram and Bering, 2010). This was precisely what happened in my classroom!

The Consequences of a Tattling Culture

When tattling becomes engrained in classroom culture, children gain a sense of “power” by involving adults rather than learning to solve problems on their own. Teachers, in turn, may feel a sense of control as they intervene to resolve issues quickly. However, the success of such interventions is often short-lived.

Lacking the skills and confidence to handle conflicts independently, children increasingly rely on adult intervention, which not only overwhelms teachers but also exacerbates the problem. In the end, neither teachers nor students develop the true power to address challenges effectively or build independence.

The problem doesn’t stop there. A tattling culture often extends to children reporting classroom issues to their parents, leading to increased parental concerns. Teachers then find themselves addressing common classroom behaviors with not only tattling children but also their parents. This was the situation I faced during my YOT.

What Can We Do?

The good news about tattling is that it can often be addressed quickly and effectively with the right approach. By fostering independence and teaching problem-solving skills, we can help children handle conflicts constructively.  Let’s explore actionable steps to shift from a culture of tattling to one of collaboration and independence.

Note: This article focuses on addressing the misbehavior of tattling. It is essential that children feel confident and safe reporting unsafe behavior or situations they cannot handle independently. We will address the concern of underreporting in another article.

Preparing the Environment and the Teacher

1. Communication Between Adults: Ensure the teaching team clearly understands the distinction between telling and tattling. Reporting to a teacher about something or someone being unsafe is not tattling. Seeking help with a problem you don’t know how to solve, or need support to solve, is also not tattling. However, reporting another child’s misbehavior to “get them in trouble,” gain attention, or receive special treatment is considered tattling. A clear definition will help teaching teams respond consistently.
2. Use the Class Meeting: The Class Meeting is one of the most effective tools for addressing tattling. This forum allows children to share their concerns and be heard, redirecting the energy of tattling and blaming toward constructive problem-solving. Through these meetings, children learn to resolve issues as a community and quickly understand that no one is ever “in trouble” during a class meeting.
3. Focus on Engagement: Tattling involves focusing on the behavior of others. However, fostering meaningful engagement through carefully prepared, observation-based work is our primary goal—and a powerful way to prevent behaviors like tattling. Children who are interested, excited, and deeply engaged in their work are far less likely to shift their attention to the actions of others.
4. Conflict Resolution Area: Consider establishing a designated area, such as a Peace Table, for children to resolve conflicts. This intentional and semi-private space encourages independent problem-solving by providing a defined environment where children can work together to address and resolve their differences.

Grace and Courtesy

1. Telling vs. Tattling: Take the time to teach children the difference between telling and tattling. Create a chart with two columns: one labeled “Telling” and the other “Tattling.” Work together to brainstorm examples for each. For elementary-aged children, have a discussion about how tattling can impact friendships and explore what to do instead.
2. When to Tell: After teaching the difference between telling and tattling, take time to identify situations in which children should tell a teacher (e.g., unsafe behavior, physical aggression, inappropriate adult interactions). When addressing tattling, it’s important to ensure that children feel safe and confident in seeking help when needed.
3. Conflict Resolution Skills: Adopt a simple conflict resolution model and teach this model to children. Practice these skills through role-play. You can find an example in Positive Discipline in the Montessori Classroom on pages 225–226.
4. “I” Language and Bugs and Wishes: Teach children how to share their concerns in a way that invites the other person to listen. For elementary and adolescent students: “I feel ________, when you ________, and I wish ________.” For primary students: “I don’t like it when ________, and I wish ________.” (PDMC, pages 202–206).
5. Reminding a Friend: Demonstrate and practice reminding a friend, respectfully, about classroom ground rules. For example, “Mario, remember where the stamp game goes?” or “I noticed that ______. Do you want my help?” Give specific language and role-play together. With elementary students and adolescents, discuss how to deliver a message to a peer kindly and firmly. Brainstorm ideas together.

Responses to Misbehavior

1. Reflective Listening: Sometimes children just want to be heard. Reflective Listening helps validate feelings without rescuing. Listening without fixing is a supportive way to help children solve their own problems. Often, if children (and adults) feel listened to, they naturally begin to come up with solutions on their own.
2. Conversational Curiosity Questions: Like reflective listening, Conversational Curiosity Questions (PDMC, pages 194–199) focus on listening to a child’s concerns and helping them solve problems independently. Examples include:  “What happened?”, How do you feel?”, “How might they feel?”, “What might have caused that to happen?”, “How might you help?”, “What’s your plan to solve this?”
3. Avoid Advice-Giving: Advice-giving can be spelled r-e-s-c-u-i-n-g. It invites dependency or resentment in children. 
4. Show Faith: Respond with confidence in the child’s abilities, such as: “Thank you for letting me know. I trust that you can figure this out by yourself. Let me know how it goes.”
5. Wheel of Choice: Create a Wheel of Choice with the children, listing solutions to common classroom problems (PDMC, pages 176–184). When a child tattles, redirect them to the Wheel of Choice to encourage independent problem-solving.
6. Class Meeting Agenda: Maintain a Class Meeting agenda in a central location. When a child tattles, invite them to add their problem to the agenda for group problem-solving.
7. Observe to Encourage: Observe for progress in independent problem-solving, leadership, helping others, letting things go, or communicating directly with peers. Record observations and provide specific encouragement on their growth. Celebrate and acknowledge even small successes.

Mistaken Goals

Children may tattle for different reasons, often tied to mistaken goals. Understanding these motivations can help us respond more effectively.

• Undo Attention (Notice Me, Involve Me Usefully): When a child’s mistaken goal is Undo Attention, they may tattle to be noticed or to receive special service (e.g., having problems solved for them). Help the child focus on what they can do to assist when tempted to tattle (e.g., remind a friend or offer help). Redirect them to the Wheel of Choice and follow up later. Use humor, especially with older children, such as: ‘Could it be that you want him to get in trouble?’ (Be sure to know your audience and use humor appropriately.)
• Misguided Power (Let Me Help, Give Me Choices): A child seeking power may tattle to assert control or be ‘the boss.’ Ask Conversational Curiosity Questions, such as: ‘How do you think you can help?’ Offer meaningful tasks that provide the child with constructive ways to assert power. Give limited choices, such as: ‘Would you like to add this to the class meeting agenda or kindly ask him to stop? You choose.
• Revenge (I’m Hurting, Validate My Feelings): A child motivated by revenge may tattle to retaliate for perceived hurts or injustices.  Use Reflective Listening to validate their feelings (validation does not mean agreeing with their perception).  Establish Connection before Correction. Let the child know you are on their side. Teach and practice using a Positive Time-Out area before reporting a problem to you.  Redirect to the conflict resolution process and support both children in solving the problem collaboratively.
• Assumed Inadequacy (Don’t Give Up on Me, Show Me a Small Step): Tattling in this case is the child’s way of giving up. Teach and practice assertiveness and conflict-resolution skills one at a time, and acknowledge even the most gradual progress. Avoid rescuing, as it may confirm the child’s belief that they are incapable. Show faith in their abilities by saying: ‘We’ve practiced this together. You’re capable. Would you like me to be there with you when you talk to her, or would you like to try it on your own?’

Olivia’s Story

Olivia, a 5-year-old, had a challenging relationship with her friend Liliana. Whenever Liliana and Olivia would disagree, Liliana would subtly kick Olivia under the table. Not only was Liliana subtle, but she was also patient, delivering the kicks about every five minutes. When Olivia confronted her, Liliana would simply say, “I’m sorry, that was an accident.” Unsure of how to handle the situation, Olivia, enraged, went to report this to her teacher, Kathy.

After listening to Olivia, Kathy jumped in to “help” solve the problem. She walked over to Liliana and said, “Liliana, why are you kicking Olivia?”

At first, Liliana denied it, but she eventually admitted, “I kicked her because she was being bossy.”

Kathy responded, “Liliana, we don’t kick people in our classroom. If you have a problem with a friend, you can talk to her about it.”

Liliana replied, “OK.”

Feeling accomplished, Kathy said, “Thank you, Liliana,” and left the scene.

Apparently, this interaction did not solve the issue. The next day, Olivia tapped Kathy on the shoulder. “She’s doing it again!”

Kathy spoke to Liliana again, and Liliana promised she would stop—but she did not. In fact, the problem worsened.

While Kathy felt encouraged that Olivia felt safe coming to her for help (Olivia was new to the classroom), she noticed a pattern starting to develop—and she was part of it. With Kathy’s intervention, Olivia’s reporting had increased, and the challenges between Olivia and Liliana grew worse.

Realizing her response had shifted from helping to rescuing, Kathy talked with Olivia about her frustration with Liliana. She asked Olivia if she would like to create her own Wheel of Choice. Having helped make a Wheel of Choice with the class, Olivia was excited about the idea of creating her own.

Together, they identified four options for Olivia’s Wheel of Choice that she could use when dealing with a challenging interaction with Liliana or any other friend: Let it go, find another friend to work with, use Bugs and Wishes, and ask her to stop kindly and firmly.

While it took some time, practice, and encouragement, Olivia began using her wheel independently. Her tattling decreased, and she and Liliana started resolving conflicts without Kathy’s intervention.  Kathy was also able to work with Liliana, proactively, to help develop her problem-solving skills.

My YOT

Coincidentally, my YOT began to turn around shortly after I introduced the Wheel of Choice to the whole classroom.  Using the Wheel of Choice and the Class Meeting the children began to take ownership of their problems, and gradually, with work on everyone’s part, the YOT soon faded into the rear-view mirror. 

 References

1. Montessori, M. (2019a). Citizen of the world. Montessori-Pierson Publishing Company
2. Ingram, G. P., & Bering, J. M. (2010). Children’s tattling: The reporting of everyday norm violations in preschool settings. Child Development, 81(3), 945-957.
3. Kennedy-Moore, E. (2018). Why kids tattle and what to do about it.  Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/growing-friendships/201806/why-kids-tattle-and-what-to-do-about-it#:~:text=What%20do%20children%20tattle%20about,percent%20focused%20on%20enforcing%20rules.
4. Howard, J. (2024). Is it tattling or telling?  Child Mind Institute.  https://childmind.org/article/tattling-telling-teaching-kids-report-broken-rule/
5. Nelsen, J., DeLorenzo, C. (2021). Positive discipline in the montessori classroom. Parent-Child Press.

Copyright © 2024 Chip DeLorenzo