Physical Aggression

Let us always remember that inner discipline is something to come, and not something already present. Our task is to show the way to discipline.  (Montessori, 1995)

Physical aggression is one of the most concerning and stressful behaviors in classrooms. Recently, Montessori educators worldwide have reported increased levels of aggression in students, especially younger ones. Multiple theories suggest reasons for this increase, including reduced social skills, developmental delays, learning and behavioral disabilities, permissive or authoritarian parenting, increased screen time, etc.   While it’s helpful to understand these factors, knowing the cause outside the classroom often doesn’t solve the problem. Even if we pinpointed the cause, it’s difficult, if not impossible, to change those external factors to reduce aggression in the classroom. So, what can we do?

Let’s take a quick look at the misbehavior itself.  The most fundamental part of our work with children in a Montessori Classroom is to maintain a safe and peaceful environment for our children.  However, physical aggression is also a common and developmentally appropriate misbehavior for young children and elementary aged students. Children hit sometimes.  Why do they?

In the primary classroom, they youngest children typically hit because of developmental limitations, like impulse control, limited communication skills, and egocentric interpretations of events or interactions.  They are still developing the ability to regulate their emotions and responses, and to understand the impact of their actions (cause and effect).  (Liu, 2012). It would make sense then, that we are seeing higher rates of physical aggression as young children are showing decreased levels of self-regulation, currently.  

Older primary students and elementary/adolescent students, on the other hand, have a more developed sense social awareness and ability to self-regulate. They tend to be physically aggressive in response to more complex emotional or social dynamics. (Liu, 2012). Their actions are often more deliberate and motivated by social discouragement and their mistaken goals. With reported decrease in age-appropriate social skills, it also makes sense that we are seeing higher rates of physical aggression at this stage of development.

Now, let’s explore how to respond effectively to physical aggression. How we respond has the potential to improve or worsen the issue in the classroom. The children involved—whether aggressor, hurt child, or observing child(ren)—need to see that the adult cares for everyone involved and will uphold the classroom’s limits and safety with dignity and respect. Responding with both kindness (understanding and compassion) and firmness (assertiveness and confidence) is essential.

Responding with kindness and firmness simultaneously sounds simple, but it’s not always easy, especially when children are hurt. When working with teachers, I often ask how many feel their “buttons pushed” when they witness one child hurting another. Usually, more than half raise their hands. This is important because strong emotional reactions in adults can lead to aggressive responses. For example, a teacher might say, “Joshua, WE DON’T HIT in our classroom!”—an aggressive response to an aggressive behavior. This is one of the most common mistakes adults make.

While aggression needs adult intervention, an aggressive adult response can have unintended ripple effects. These may include alienating the child who’s misbehaving, increasing their aggression, scapegoating by classmates, copycat behavior, and even children developing a fear of the teacher or the misbehaving child.

If adults respond too firmly or aggressively, they model aggression as a way to solve problems. On the other hand, a too passive or permissive response can inadvertently encourage the misbehavior, leading to consequences such as increased aggression, intimidation by dominant students, and insecurity among classmates.

What is needed is for the adult to respond calmly and confidently, addressing all children involved in a way that models constructive problem-solving behavior, sending a clear message: our classroom is a safe place, and this is how we solve problems—kindness and firmness at the same time. Let’s take a look at some ideas to do just this!

Environment

1. Identify Antecedents: Look for patterns in when the behavior occurs. Antecedents are not causes of the behavior, but they are situations where it tends to happen most often (such as during transitions, outdoor time, or teacher break-time). Adjust routines, transitions, or procedures to reduce or eliminate these antecedents. For example, if a child tends to show physical aggression when children line up, try an alternative transition method, like allowing children to walk with partners when ready or assigning a special task to the child that doesn’t require them to line up.
2. Increase Supervision: Provide additional supervision for children who show physical aggression as they work on building new skills for interacting with others (see Grace and Courtesy). The goal is to protect the child and others while they learn to manage their emotions and respond appropriately to classmates.
3. Encourage Safe Aggressive Play: Physical aggression often occurs on the playground. Develop activities that allow for active, aggressive play within a safe and controlled environment to help children practice self-control. Constructive, goal-oriented aggression can be channeled through activities like building with large wooden pieces or playing organized games such as soccer or gaga ball, which are both safe and appropriate for school.

Grace and Courtesy

1. Observe for Lagging Social Skills: Identify any social skills the child may be lacking. Once recognized, take the time to teach and practice these skills individually (e.g., waiting for their turn, asking for what they want, saying “no,” receiving “no,” asking to join a group, etc.). Refer to the Grace and Courtesy approach for guidance.
2. Teach Assertiveness: Show children how to assert themselves by saying “Stop” and “No” firmly and respectfully.  Practice together.
3. Help Children Express Their Feelings: Teach children how to identify and express their emotions. For younger children, use “Bugs and Wishes.” For elementary and adolescent students, use “I Language.”
4. Model Appropriate Behavior for Toddlers and Young Primary Students: Demonstrate what to do in various social situations, such as how to ask for a turn or how to say “Stop.”
5. Teach Children to Intervene Respectfully for a Classmate: Show children how to step in for a peer in a respectful way. For example, they can say, “He told you to stop” or “You’re hurting him. Please stop.”

Responses

1. Avoid Making Assumptions About Physical Aggression: Instead of assuming the reasons behind a student’s physical aggression, seek understanding by using Conversational Curiosity Questions and Reflective Listening. When children feel understood, they are more likely to accept correction and engage in the process of repairing the situation.
2. Be Aware of Your Reactions to Aggression: When we respond to aggressive behavior with aggression, we model that behavior. If you’re too upset to address the situation calmly and confidently, ask for help, take a break, and then return to the situation. This demonstrates the skills you want to teach: self-control, problem-solving, and respect for everyone involved.
3. Use Kindness and Firmness: Approach physical aggression the same way you would any other misbehavior—using both kindness and firmness. Focus on finding solutions rather than assigning blame.
4. Put Them in the Same Boat: When appropriate, address both children involved in the situation at the same time without taking sides. For example, “Boys, I see that you’re hurting each other. Please take some time to cool down. When you’re both feeling better, we can work together to solve the problem.”
5. Use the Class Meeting: Encourage children to bring up these problems during the class meeting. They can help each other learn how to handle anger, and what to do when someone hurts them.
6. Observe to Encourage Progress: Watch closely for signs of improvement in a child’s social skills, and record these observations in detail. Share the progress with the child privately. For example, if a child who used to hit others while waiting for a swing now asks kindly for a turn, record the interaction. Later, pull the child aside and say, “Chandra, I noticed that when you were waiting for a swing today, you asked Maria kindly for a turn. I know you’ve been working hard on that. How do you feel? Congratulations!”
7. Use a Positive Time-Out Area: Create a designated space in the classroom for self-regulation. This can help children manage their emotions and behaviors in a constructive way.
8. Create a Personalized Wheel of Choice: Develop an individual “Wheel of Choice” to help children identify constructive ways to manage anger. Teach and practice these strategies with the child.

Mistaken Goals

A misbehaving child is a discouraged child.  Children who exhibit physical aggression often develop a negative reputation among their classmates and parents.  This can cause undue pressure on teaching staff and administrators to “fix” the behavior immediately.  Focusing on “fixing” the behavior often means aggressive or punitive responses by the adults.  As previously mentioned, this approach is likely to exacerbate the problem(s).  When we focus on the motivation, or belief behind the behavior, we address the root cause and can make long-term progress (see Chapter 3 in Positive Discipline in the Montessori Classroom for a detailed discussion on Mistaken Goals).  Here are some suggestions for each of the Mistaken Goals: 

• Undo Attention (Notice Me, Involve Me Usefully): Children with undo attention hurt others to be noticed and to keep others busy with them.  Set up special time and “fill their bucket” before they misbehave.  Show faith in the child to handle disappointment.  Avoid strong reactions and follow through with presence, warmth and silence (PWS).
• Misguided Power (Let Me Help, Give Me Choices): Children with misguided power hit because they want to prove to you and to themselves that they are the boss, and are in control.  Engage the child in problem-solving using the Four Steps for Follow-Through and focus on solutions that are both prevent hitting and alternatives to hitting.  Be sure to identify this child’s strengths and find ways to use their personal power in constructive ways.  Meaningful contribution provides a deep sense of connection and feelings of responsibility to the community.
• Revenge (I’m Hurting, Validate My Feelings): Children with revenge as their mistaken goal hurt others because they feel hurt (although they often don’t appear to feel hurt).  Approach the child who hurt the other child first and check in with them about what happened.  Ask if they are OK and validate their feelings first.  After checking in with the aggressor, say, “It looks like your friend is hurt too.  What might they be feeling? Would you like to check on them?”  This seems counterintuitive, but it is critical that a child with Revenge as their mistaken goal feels understood and validated to support long-term positive change.  Note: You are not abandoning the child who was hurt but supporting a process of repair and the development of empathy.  If the child who was hurt needs immediate care, try to have another adult attend to them while you are checking in with the hitting child.
• Assumed Inadequacy (Don’t Give Up on Me, Show Me a Small Step):  Children with assumed inadequacy may give up by hurting other children.  Avoid criticism and blame.  Instead focus on teaching lagging social skills and encouraging them to use their strengths and interests to support other children.  Encourage every small amount of progress.  Take time to brainstorm with the child how to get, “unstuck” when they are overwhelmed.   

An Encouraging Story

Melanie was a 6-year-old Lower Elementary student. She had been hurting other children, often during disagreements. Her teachers began giving her very strong messages and having her leave the classroom or playground whenever she hurt another child. Her behavior worsened, and she became more isolated from the other children. Many of them stopped working with her or playing with her.

One day on the playground, her teacher, Sonya, observed Melanie playing with two other girls. Melanie was demanding that they play the game by her rules and gave her classmates no room to contribute. Eventually, the two girls told her that they didn’t want to play with her anymore. Sonya arrived just in time to see Melanie punch them in the back of their heads as they walked away. Later that afternoon, Sonya took some time to talk to Melanie. She said, “I noticed that you were having a really difficult time with Rosa and Sunita. What happened?”

Melanie explained that they never wanted to play the “right” way and that they were always excluding her. Sonya said, “It seems like you’re having a hard time making friends. You must be feeling lonely.” Melanie began to cry. After comforting Melanie, Sonya asked, “I know for sure that there are other children in our class who have had the same problem. Would you like to bring it up at the Class Meeting to get some help from the group?” Melanie agreed.

A few days later, Melanie’s problem came up on the agenda. She shared with the class: “I have been feeling lonely. I’m having a hard time making friends. I keep trying, but it doesn’t work. It feels like no one likes me.” Sonya asked the group if anyone else had ever had trouble making friends or felt lonely. Almost everyone raised their hands, and some shared their stories with Melanie. The class then brainstormed ideas for making friends, and Melanie chose one idea that she wanted to try. She said, “I’d like to try letting other people help make the rules.”

Melanie’s choice caught Sonya by surprise. “There were many ideas that the children came up with to help. I didn’t realize how much self-awareness Melanie had until she chose that solution. I learned a lot about her that day. And other children learned a lot about making friends, too.”

In addition to the Class Meeting, Sonya began to work independently with Melanie on how to negotiate with her friends and how to practice walking away when she was angry. Melanie’s hitting subsided over the next month, and other children began to invite her to work and play with them.

References

Liu, Jianghong. Lewis, Gary. Evans, Lois. (2012). Understanding aggressive behavior across the life span. Joural of Psychiatric and Mental Health Nursing. April 2012.

Montessori, M. (1995). The absorbent mind. New York, Henry Holt.

Nelsen, J. DeLorenzo, C. (2021). Positive discipline in the Montessori classroom. Parent-Child Press.