Negative Leadership and Peer Pressure

 “Intellectual education and moral and social education are the two sides of development.  The first is concerned with intellectual development and the second with the individual’s active life in society.” ~ Maria Montessori

One of the things that resonated deeply with me during my Montessori training was the idea that in a Montessori classroom, the older children help the younger ones. Being idealistic, I imagined the oldest children noticing a younger classmate struggling and rushing to their aid with a natural desire to help. I envisioned them—after spending a year or two in the environment—feeling a sense of pride in supporting their newer peers. Their self-esteem would soar as they realized how capable they were and how meaningful their contributions could be. If they misbehaved, I imagined I could redirect them with just a few magic words like, “You need to be a model for the younger children.” The younger children would follow their lead and feel secure and supported. And we, the teachers, would float through the classroom giving lessons effortlessly—because we didn’t have just one teacher, we had many.

I still believe this vision is possible… just not in the way I imagined.

What happened to my dream?

If you’ve spent time in a Montessori classroom, you know that the natural emergence of leadership rarely just happens on its own. So, like many new guides, I was surprised to find that many of the oldest children didn’t seem inclined to help the younger students. They certainly weren’t acting as positive role models. And when I tried to encourage them to lead by example, by saying things like, “I need you to be a leader.”, my message fell on deaf ears.

Sometimes, the oldest children were simply not showing any interest in leading or helping younger students—or worse, they were engaging in negative leadership or negative peer pressure, encouraging their friends to misbehave.  My dream of natural leadership emerging simply by virtue of age and experience began to crumble.

A Dilemma for Children and Adults

The issue of negative leadership and peer pressure is one of the most important dynamics to address in the classroom. If left unchecked—or addressed ineffectively—it can create an unsafe social-emotional environment, leading to anxiety, insecurity, aggression, or passivity in children. It can both social and cognitive development.

Both children and teachers are affected when negative leadership arises in the classroom. For children to achieve true independence and normalization, they must be connected to their environment and engaged in meaningful work—a connection that requires the adult’s focused effort to support. However, negative peer pressure can disrupt this process, shifting our role from guiding growth to managing behavior. Instead of fostering engagement and independence, we may find themselves constantly addressing disruptions, which can quickly lead to adult exhaustion and burnout.

Negative Leadership or Peer Pressure and the Planes of Development

Infant–Toddlers

Toddlers don’t necessarily lead one another, but they do model behavior they see in others—children and adults. They haven’t yet entered the sensitive period for socialization, so peer influence at this stage is limited to imitation, rather than true influence or leadership.  Teaching toddlers what to do rather than what not to do through direct teaching, presence and redirection will be a fruitful process.

Children’s House (Ages 3–6)

Younger children in the Children’s House still primarily model the behavior of adults and peers. However, the older children begin to take more notice of their classmates’ skills, differences, and talents, and start forming friendships. They become more aware of social norms and begin seeking acceptance from peers, not just adults.

Research shows that children begin to make peer-influenced decisions around age 4, before their sense of morality is fully internalized. Their understanding of “right and wrong” still comes from external sources. At this stage, they may shift their moral judgments if peers approve of misbehavior (Kim, 2016).

This is when negative peer leadership may begin to affect both individual children and the classroom environment. It may take the form of encouraging friends to break rules, being silly, misusing materials, excluding others, teasing, or disrupting the classroom. Children at this age are still learning to navigate the social environment and to find belonging among their peers. They need our guidance and support, direct teaching of Grace and Courtesy skills, and kind and firm follow through as they learn and experiment with social norms.

Elementary (Ages 6–12)

Elementary children are in a sensitive period for social order, justice, and morality. Peer relationships become increasingly important as they try to understand their role in the community. Determining what is fair—and what is right or wrong—becomes a daily focus.

As peer acceptance grows in importance, children begin forming preferences and opinions that may differ from their home environment. They start comparing themselves to others as they seek a place in the social hierarchy.

Dr. Montessori is widely believed to have referred to this stage—the second plane of development—as the “age of rudeness.” Children question previously accepted behaviors and test boundaries. They make behavioral mistakes as part of their natural development of more abstract social skills and internal morality.

During this stage, negative leadership or peer pressure can become more prominent. Expressions may include social exclusion, disrespect toward teachers (especially in upper elementary), disruptive behaviors, teasing, joking at others’ expense, or encouraging peers to engage in negative behaviors. These patterns have been shown to increase conflict, reduce cooperation, and diminish a sense of belonging (Laninga-Wijnen, 2021).

Interestingly, even as peer influence becomes stronger, so does the elementary-aged child’s capacity for reason and personal judgment—even in the face of peer pressure. They will need guidance and support in individual and group problem-solving, conflict resolution and navigating social dynamics, and especially continued teaching and practice of Grace and Courtesy skills tailored to the developmental needs of elementary-aged children. 

Adolescence (Ages 12–18)

In the third plane of development, adolescents undergo profound transformation. Dr. Montessori referred to adolescents as “social newborns” to emphasize the intense physical, emotional, and cognitive changes of this period (Montessori, 1938).  These changes prompt a redefinition of identity as adolescents seek their place in the world.

Developmental traits at this stage include: increased self and social awareness, a strong need to belong – particularly with peers, a heightened need for independence, and a drive to form a unique identity apart from family.

Biologically, the adolescent brain is wired to respond intensely to social feedback—especially from peers (Kim, 2016). Adolescents often prioritize peer acceptance over their own judgment, even when it conflicts with their values. This neurological sensitivity increases the risk of conformity and risk-taking, driven by a fear of rejection or desire for acceptance.

Because of their deep need for belonging and identity, adolescents are especially vulnerable to peer pressure—both as influencers and as the influenced.  Of particular importance will be creating an atmosphere where peer influence is harnessed constructively through shared leadership and mentorship.

Supporting Positive Leadership and Peer Influence

The social atmosphere in the classroom plays a key role in shaping positive leadership and peer influence. As adults, we play a crucial part in creating that environment, especially through modeling.  To foster an atmosphere of mutual respect and positive leadership, it’s essential that we are modeling constructive leadership, which involves kindness and firmness at the same time – freedom within limits. 

If adults are too permissive – freedom without clear and consistent limits – it sends the message that no one is in charge. This breeds insecurity. If teachers don’t lead, someone else will step in. And that someone may have leadership tendencies but lack the life experience or training to lead well (children).  As well, permissiveness models poor boundary setting; that it’s OK to permit someone to be disrespectful. 

Conversely, if we are too authoritarian – strong limits without freedom – it can lead to an atmosphere of resentment. In response, “leaders” may emerge in rebellion, quickly gathering followers.  This doesn’t just happen in adolescent classrooms.  It can happen with the youngest children, as well.  Modeling clear and appropriate boundaries means being firm without being mean.

So, the goal in modeling leadership, again, is to be both kind and firm—a concept that’s simple in theory but often challenging in practice, and what Positive Discipline in the Montessori Classroom is all about. 

Another important factor to consider is that peer pressure is not necessarily negative. For our purposes we will use the term peer influence to indicate positive peer pressure.  We all want to belong, and our behavior is influenced by how others perceive us. Social influence can encourage prosocial behavior—kindness, cooperation, and mutual respect. Peer influence can actually improve the classroom culture. 

This Class Meeting is the key to transforming negative peer pressure into positive peer influence.  Children learn empathy, problem-solving, communication and leadership skills in a safe and structured setting at every Class Meeting.

Finally, from a Montessori perspective, the foundation of leadership is helping others.  Alfred Adler, on whom the work of Positive Discipline in the Montessori Classroom is based, and a constructivist peer of Dr. Montessori, used a German term to describe this principle: Gemeinschaftsgefühl.  It has been translated to mean a strong sense of community and social interest, and a desire to help contribute to the well-being of the group (Adler, 1927).

Children truly are hardwired to help and contribute—to have a positive impact or influence in their communities. Research shows that children as young as 14 months instinctively help others without external rewards (Warneken & Tomasello, 2006). We all seek both belonging (love and acceptance) and significance (influence through contribution). That’s our starting point for building positive leadership in the classroom.  However, that drive to contribute needs a carefully prepared classroom social environment to blossom from developmental inclination to reality.

Let’s now take a look at some concrete ways to go about this:

Preparing the Environment and the Adults

• Involve Students – More than any other strategy, the Class Meeting is key to developing an atmosphere of positive leadership and peer influence. Even in the Children’s House, where young children are just beginning to develop problem-solving skills, involving them in helping one another and the community – in a supportive and structured setting – nurtures both leadership and social responsibility. 
• Model Positive Leadership – Practice setting and maintaining limits with kindness and firmness simultaneously. Use Reflective Listening, Curiosity Questions, and speak with “I” Language. Model how to handle mistakes with grace and honesty and make amends when needed.
• Model Healthy Boundaries – Say “no” kindly and without over-explaining. Share your personal limitations openly. For example, say, “I don’t feel comfortable with that,” and allow it to stand on its own.
• Provide Meaningful Opportunities to Contribute and Lead – Children are intrinsically motivated to contribute, and some have natural tendencies toward leadership. Regularly observe your classroom and school environment to identify authentic opportunities for children to make meaningful contributions. By meaningful, we mean actions that make a real difference to others. Avoid assigning “token jobs” that lack real impact (e.g., line leader, line ender), as children quickly recognize these roles as superficial and may become disillusioned about other opportunities to contribute.
• Observe for Bullying Dynamics – Bullying involves a power imbalance, where one child seeks to dominate or control another. It is intentional, harmful, and typically repeated. Bullying is distinct from negative peer pressure or misdirected leadership. It includes behaviors such as hurtful teasing, mocking, humiliation, physical aggression, or threats. (See forthcoming article on bullying for more detail.)

Grace and Courtesy Skills

• Leadership – With elementary-aged children and adolescents, discuss the differences between negative leadership and peer pressure and positive leadership and peer influence. Create a chart listing the characteristics of each. Leadership skills also develop organically through Class Meetings, where children help one another solve problems collaboratively.  For younger children demonstrate how to offer help respectfully, and how to know when someone might need help.
• Friendship – Teach what it means to be a friend. What does it look like when someone else is being a good friend? What can we do when someone asks us to do something we don’t like or feel uncomfortable with?
• Encouragement – The word encouragement comes from the French encourager, meaning “to give heart.” People do better when they feel better, and they feel better when they do better. What words can we use to encourage a friend? What actions can we take to uplift someone? Practice encouragement regularly during Class Meetings.
• Saying “No” – How can we say “no” with both kindness and firmness? What are some ways we can set boundaries without using the word “no”? This is a valuable skill for children of all ages.
• Walking Away – Just as important as teaching children how to lead and support others is helping them learn how to decline being led, especially when it involves something they’re uncomfortable with. This takes practice. Walking away is a powerful tool—it removes the essential ingredient in negative peer pressure: the participant.
• Making Your Own Choice – Making an unpopular choice is difficult—even for adults. This is a lifelong skill. Invite children to share a time when they made a decision because someone else pressured them. What happened? How did they feel? What might they do differently next time? Read books together that highlight the value of independent thinking.
• Respecting the Choices and Differences of Others – When someone makes a different choice than you, it can feel personal. Does their difference mean you are wrong? Does being different mean, you won’t be accepted? Some people like different things, and some people believe or see things differently. Make a list of examples with the children. Discuss: What can you do when a friend makes a different choice, or holds a different belief or perspective? How can we show respect while still honoring our own values?
• Trusting the Small Voice – This may be the most important skill when navigating influence—whether giving or receiving it. What does it feel like when you just know something isn’t right? What if others tell you you’re wrong? What can you do? Practice listening to and honoring that inner voice together.

General Responses

• Connection Before Correction – A foundational element in helping children navigate negative leadership and peer pressure is ensuring they have a trusting relationship with the adults. Both those who are leading and those being led need to feel that the adults care about them and are on their side.
• Class Meetings – Did we mention Class Meetings? Again, this is, hands down, the most powerful tool for channeling children’s natural desire to find significance through contribution and leadership. The goal is to transform negative peer pressure into positive peer influence.
• Redirecting Personal Power and Influence – The old teacher joke, “They are not bossy, they are a natural leader,” holds some truth. Avoid power struggles by redirecting negative leadership into positive influence and helpfulness. This is not a quick fix—it’s a process in which children gradually learn to use their agency constructively, with guidance and support, in order to experience belonging and significance.
• Remove the Audience – If a child is negatively leading peers, avoid directly confronting the leader in front of others. Instead, redirect by removing the audience and then engage the leader in a meaningful task. This maintains dignity while shifting energy toward contribution.
• Presence, Warmth, and Silence – Many behavioral challenges can be gently redirected by simply being present. Children often self-correct when a warm, calm, and silent adult is nearby. If a child or group of children is leading others into misbehavior, simply make yourself present and follow through with few or no words. This models both kindness and firmness – at the same time!
• Conversational Curiosity Questions – Support children in reflecting on the impact of their actions through open-ended, Socratic questioning (See pp. 194-199, Positive Discipline in the Montessori Classroom). Try:
  • What happened?
  • What led to that happening?
  • How do you feel about what happened?
  • How might your friend feel?
  • What’s your plan for next time?
  • What do you think you can do to repair this?
• Individual Conflict Resolution – Teach children how to set and maintain boundaries and solve problems with dignity and mutual respect. A formal conflict resolution process empowers children to navigate challenges constructively. (See pp. 225–226, PDMC)

 Mistaken Goal Responses

“A misbehaving child is a discouraged child.” (Dreikurs, 1964).

When children feel supported and encouraged in the classroom environment, and they know they belong (are loved) and feel significant (through responsibility and contribution), they thrive.  With guidance, they develop kindness and respect for others and themselves and discover how capable they are. 

When children feel discouraged, they misbehave, because they have a mistaken belief about how to belong and feel significant.  As Rudolph Dreikurs observed children, he identified four mistaken goals that children adopt when they feel discouraged. 

Below, you will find practical ideas for helping to support positive change for the behavior of negative leadership and peer pressure for each mistaken goal:

Undo Attention (Notice Me, Involve Me Usefully) – Children with the mistaken goal of Undo Attention will lead others – or allow themselves to be lead – into misbehavior as they seek attention and special service (doing for me that which I can do for myself).  Give encouragement for even small steps of progress in positive leadership and making independent choices.  Use an “I notice…” statement like, “I notice that you’re running.”  Involve them in problem-solving using the Four Steps for Follow-Through” (pages 133-142 in PDMC). Touch without words.  Use I Language.  Involve them in useful tasks wherever possible.  Redirect in private.

Misguided Power (Let Me Help, Give Me Choices) – Children with the mistaken goal of Misguided Power will lead others into misbehavior in their attempt to prove that they are the boss – or in control.  Children with Misguided Power who engage in negative leadership are often most easily redirected by providing constructive opportunities to lead or help (they really do want to help!).  Remove the audience.  Step out of power struggles gracefully, “It feels like we’re in a power struggle.  Let’s talk when we’re both calm.”  Invite them to give their input.  Put them “in charge” of tasks vs. people.  Act Don’t Talk when it’s time to follow-through.  

Revenge (I’m Hurting, Validate My Feelings) – A child whose mistaken goal is Revenge is often highly sensitive and easily hurt.  They may lead others – or allow themselves to be lead -negatively to hurt back, the way they feel hurt.  Their perception is their reality.  Acknowledge hurt feelings, “It seems like you are feeling ______. What happened?” Always check in first and avoid making assumptions.  Put all children involved In the Same Boat.  Take time for connection.  If you are angry, take time to cool down before addressing the misbehavior.  Use Conversational Curiosity Questions (pages 194-199 PDMC). 

Assumed Inadequacy (Don’t Give Up on Me.  Show Me a Small Step) – Children with the mistaken goal of Assumed Inadequacy will participate in negative leadership, as leader or follower (but more often a follower) in an attempt to give up.  Understand that giving up can be an active behavior, not just a passive one.  Avoid criticism and public correction.  Encourage positive steps towards making independent choices.  Give leadership opportunities in areas of strength and interest.  Don’t give up on them by reducing expectations but support them to meet those expectations in Small Steps.  Model and emphasize mistakes as an opportunity to learn and improve. 

Max’s Story

Riley was a 9-year-old boy in Ben’s upper elementary classroom. He was new to Montessori and to the school. Friendly and charismatic, Riley quickly became popular. Children sought him out for work and play, and his influence in the classroom grew rapidly.

Having come from a traditional classroom setting, Riley had developed a social skill set that didn’t align with the social-emotional environment Ben had worked to cultivate. Riley had a keen sense of social awareness and picked up on many of the classroom’s social norms within just a few weeks. In front of adults, he appeared to be a model member of the community. However, when no adults were present, he would tease children who were more sensitive or had less social influence. He played children against one another and introduced a competitive spirit into the classroom that hadn’t existed before.

Before long, Riley had a small following, and he began encouraging his new friends to follow his lead. Ben became concerned. Riley’s negative leadership was starting to have a significant impact. The classroom was becoming hierarchical, and children were getting hurt.

Riley’s parents had been quite open with Ben about his previous school experience. Riley had been very popular but had also been “in trouble” frequently. Academically, he struggled. Ben knew it would take time—not an overnight fix—to support Riley and the other students in transforming this dynamic.

Ben soon discovered that Riley was a talented athlete who loved working with his hands, especially outdoors. He saw an opportunity to leverage Riley’s strengths and have him make positive contributions to the classroom. When introducing new games on the playground, Ben enlisted Riley’s help to teach skills and strategies to the less experienced children. Ben also involved Riley in leading small building projects. Riley led a group of three other children in building a workbench for the school auction, which sold for nearly $1,000.

To Ben’s credit, he also recognized that Riley needed support from others. Riley needed academic assistance, so Ben paired him with students who could help. One of these students, Robert, helped Riley with his math. In truth, Robert needed a lot of support himself, but he was a few steps ahead of Riley. Robert had also been one of the students who had been on the receiving end of Riley’s teasing. Over time, a friendship developed.

Halfway through the school year, Riley added a problem on the Class Meeting agenda for the first time. When it came time to address Riley’s concern, he shared with the class, “I’m feeling angry because people have been teasing Robert about math and calling him stupid. Robert helps me a lot. And one of the things that’s different about this school is that you don’t have to worry about people teasing you for your weaknesses.”

Ben couldn’t help but smile at the irony. It was the first time Riley had raised an issue in the meeting, but it wouldn’t be the last. The children discussed the hurt caused by teasing and talked about how to support Robert and others, as Robert was not the only one being teased for his struggles.

It was at that Class Meeting that Ben witnessed Riley’s transformation into a Montessori child and a member of the classroom community. With patience, modeling, the teaching of necessary social and leadership skills, and shared leadership, Ben supported both Riley and the classroom community in reclaiming the atmosphere of cooperation and mutual respect that had previously been at risk.

Riley stayed at the school until he graduated after 8th grade and is still remembered o not for his charisma and popularity, but for his kindness and helpfulness to others.

References

Montessori, M. (2012). The 1946 London lectures (A. M. Joosten, Ed.). Montessori-Pierson Publishing Company.

Montessori, M. (1938). The adolescent—a social newborn. Lecture presented at the 23rd International Course, Amsterdam, Netherlands.

Kim EB, Chen C, Smetana JG, Greenberger E. (2016). Does children’s moral compass waver under social pressure? Using the conformity paradigm to test preschoolers’ moral and social-conventional judgments. J Exp Child Psychol. 150:241-251

Chein J, Albert D, O’Brien L, Uckert K, Steinberg L. (2011). Peers increase adolescent risk taking by enhancing activity in the brain’s reward circuitry. Dev Sci. 2011 Mar;14

Adler, A. (1927). Understanding human nature (W. B. Wolfe, Trans.). Greenberg Publisher.

Warneken, F., & Tomasello, M. (2007). Helping and cooperation at 14 months of age. Infancy, 11(3), 271–294.

Dreikurs, R., Stoltz, V. (1964). Children the challenge. Hawthorne Books, p. 36.

Nelsen, J., & DeLorenzo, C. (2021). Positive discipline in the Montessori classroom: Preparing an environment that fosters respect, kindness & responsibility. Parent Child Press.