Defiance

To let the child do as he likes when he has not yet developed any powers of control is to betray the idea of freedom. (Montessori,1995).

Defiance can be one of the most maddening behaviors we encounter in the classroom. Defiance, opposition, or power struggles can take many forms. A child might refuse to follow a teacher’s directions by ignoring or directly refusing to comply with instructions. They might give verbal resistance by arguing, refusing, or using sarcasm. The child might engage in disruptive behavior by distracting other children, interrupting lessons, or making loud noises. Conversely, the child might display passive behavior by pretending not to hear you, saying “Yes” but doing “No,” working deliberately slowly, or refusing to move.

Adults often feel stuck when a child is defiant. “It’s a no-win situation. If I don’t follow through and hold the line, the child will see that their defiance works, and their behavior can worsen. They win; I lose. Also, when I say no or try to hold the line, the behavior escalates, and it’s frightening to the other children.” True story.

The pattern for adults when defiance is at play is usually a swing back and forth between being too nice (permissive) in an attempt to avoid the inevitable power struggle, or too strict (authoritarian) when the adult can no longer tolerate the disrespect. Both approaches will lead to increased misbehavior.

Defiance can also have a ripple effect on a classroom community. Children in the environment are startled by this aggressive behavior and often feel unsafe or insecure. “Who’s in charge?” This insecurity can lead to increased misbehavior in the other children. The spreading misbehaviors might be more aggressive, and some children may even replicate the defiance (especially in older elementary students and adolescents). Children might also respond by being passive, such as showing over-compliance, timidity, and withdrawal. Both are forms of misbehavior.

The key to addressing defiance is a proactive response. Developing trusting relationships with students who misbehave through defiance is a critical first step. Remember, a misbehaving child is a discouraged child (Dreikurs, 1990); discouraged in their attempts to find belonging and significance. Oppositional behaviors interfere with relationships, and the child may find themselves isolated from peers and adults. Connection before correction, when the child is not misbehaving, will be invaluable, although it can prove difficult at first.

Be sure to teach lagging social skills and involve the student in planning for problem situations. Cooperation is much more likely when it’s time to follow through if adults take time to teach needed skills and if the student has participated in the planning as an equal. Addressing defiance effectively is often a process, so remember the goal is progress, not perfection. Look for opportunities to give encouragement when you observe progress in developing social-emotional skills.

Note: Oppositional Defiant Disorder often co-occurs with another diagnosis. Treatment for ODD includes treating the underlying diagnosis. The approaches suggested in this article can be helpful in addressing ODD effectively if coupled with support and accommodation for co-occurring diagnoses. (Doerfler, 2022)

Preparing the Environment and the Teacher

1. Identify Antecedents: Transitions, specific activities, lessons, work cycle?  Antecedents are not causes but conditions that “spark” the misbehavior.  Work with your teaching team to make reasonable adjustments to routines and procedures to promote consistency and support and success for the misbehaving student. 
2. Use the Class Meeting: Set limits and solve problems as a community.  Class Meetings develop a social-emotional environment that promotes horizontal relationships amongst students and teachers.  Class Meetings naturally build trust and reduce power struggles within the community.  Setting this “tone” will help the student exhibiting oppositional behavior to experience the adults as allies rather than opponents.
3. Keep communication High Between Adults: Develop plans with other teachers and the student wherever possible. Identify specific mistaken goals, lagging social skills and plans for follow-through together.  Check-in frequently to share progress. 
4. Maintain Consistency Follow-Through Amongst Adults: Consistent, kind and firm follow-through is a key component to developing a sense predictability and security for all students.  Children who exhibit defiant behavior often invite inconsistent responses from adults (kind or firm vs. kind and firm). This heightens the misbehavior.  Consistent, kind and firm follow-through (especially if agreed upon with the student) builds predictability, trust and increases the likelihood of cooperation.

Grace and Courtesy

Observe for lagging social skills.  Once identified, take time to teach and practice these skills individually.  Here are some important skills to teach children who exhibit defiant or oppositional behavior:

1. Identifying What You Want: Before you can ask for what you want from a situation, you need to know what you want. Identify challenging situations (another child is using a desired material, transitions, etc.) and help the child identify what they want in those situations.
2. Asking for What You Want: Teach and practice asking for what they want, respectfully, directly and kindly.
3. Receiving a “No”: What can you do when someone says no? What do you say?  Identify constructive responses (walking away, asking the other person for an alternative, etc.) and teach and practice these responses. 
4. How to Compromise: Teach specific language for compromise.  “If I do this, can you do that?” or “Would you be willing to ________ ?” 
5. Asking for Help: Sometimes children become defiant because they are overwhelmed, or need help. They may be  afraid or embarassed to ask for assistance.  Asking for help is a skill.  Some adults even need to practice asking for help!
6. Apologizing and Making Amends: Use the Three R’s of Recovery (page 211 in PDMC) as a model for teaching the child how to make amends and apologize effectively.
7. Cooling Down: Teach the student various methods of cooling down and self-regulating. Box breathing, Positive Time-Out (page 164 in PDMC), or leaving the classroom to go to a pre-designated and supervised space, etc.

Responses

1. Prioritize Connection and Encouragement: Defiant behavior easily invites feelings of resentment and discouragement from adults. But a defiant child is a discouraged child.  Look for opportunities and plan for unconditional Connection Before Correction. Building a strong relationship outside of conflict will be important in developing cooperation.   Be sure to avoid conditional connection – being nice in hopes the child will become cooperative.  Give specific encouragement when you observe progress in building lagging social skills and developing cooperation.
2. Four Steps for Follow-Through: (page 133 in PDMC) This is one the most effective tools for setting and maintaining limits with a child and for establishing follow-through and cooperation. Both the student and the teacher(s) share openly what is going on for them regarding a specific problem. They then work together to find a solution that will work for everyone involved.  The child will likely break the agreement at some point, and then the adult can follow through with a simple statement, “We had an agreement.”   
3. Avoid Directives: Directives invite a “no.” Instead, ask questions like, “What’s your next step?” or “What do you need to be ready for our lesson?” or “Where can you put that work so the next person can find it?” 
4. Step Out of Power Struggles: Withdraw from power struggles or arguments. You can say, “I feel like we’re in an argument now.  Let’s figure this out together when we’re both feeling better.”
5. Let Routines be the Boss: When routines are the boss you don’t have to be. Consistent routines empower students to make their own choices within pre-established limits. 
6. Decide What You Will Do: If you identify an antecedent or situation where the student tends to exhibit misbehavior consistently, don’t decide what you will make the student do, decide what you will do instead.  Make sure to inform them in advance.  For example, if a student consistently refuses to put their coat on to go outside, you might say to her, “I notice that when I ask you to put your jacket on to go outside, you refuse.  In the future, if you refuse, I will simply take the other children outside.  When you are ready to put your jacket on, please let Paula know and she will walk you outside.”  When the child refuses in the future, say nothing, and simply take the other children outside.

Mistaken Goals

Defiance can be an incredibly difficult behavior to address.  Overly kind or firm responses tend to invite increased misbehavior with little room for error.  Because of this, it’s vital that adults address the motivation and belief behind the misbehavior that the child is using in order to find the belonging and significance they are seeking.  Remember, misbehavior is an awkward and ineffective attempt to find belonging and significance, based on a faulty belief on how to do so. 

• Undo Attention (Notice Me, Involve Me Usefully): Children with undo attention exhibit defiant behavior to gain attention and to keep others busy with them.  Take time to notice the child when there is no misbehavior.  Give encouragement by acknowledging contributions and cooperation wherever possible.  Set up non-verbal signals together.  Stop talking and walk away from arguments (let them know that you’ll do this ahead of time and that you will always return to solve the problem with them later).  Use distraction or redirection with younger children.  Ask for a favor/help.
• Misguided Power (Let Me Help, Give Me Choices): Children with the mistaken goal of misguided power exhibit defiance to establish their control and personal power, and to let you know this too.  Invite the student into the problem-solving process using the Four Steps for Follow-Through.  Avoid giving directives.  Act don’t talk (example: remove the disputed object from the scene).  Ask for their ideas to help you solve a problem.  Exit the power struggle.  “I think we’re in a power struggle.  Let’s talk about this when we’re both feeling better.”.  If you say it, do it.  
• Revenge (I’m Hurting, Validate My Feelings): Children with revenge as a mistaken goal act defiantly to hurt others the way they feel hurt.  They may appear to be callous and unfeeling, but in truth children whose mistaken goal is revenge are often highly sensitive and hurt easily.  Give the child time to cool down.  Process defiant interactions by using Reflective Listening (page ____in Positive Discipline in the Montessori Classroom.  If you have participated in the argument, make amends.  Allow Natural Consequences.  Make a plan together for next time.
• Assumed Inadequacy (Don’t Give Up on Me, Show Me a Small Step): Children with assumed inadequacy as their mistaken goal become defiant as a way of giving up.  This is an active giving up, but giving up, nonetheless.  For Toddler and Primary children, observe to identify where the child is becoming discouraged.  For Elementary children and Adolescents, discuss the problem to identify areas of discouragement.  Break the task down into manageable parts.  Encourage progress and success with each part.  Avoid lowering expectations.  Instead, take time to teach them how to meet the expectations.

Lila’s Story

Lila was a four-year-old girl who was new to Montessori. Jackie, Lila’s teacher, called me to the classroom on the second day of school to help support her with managing Lila. When Lila’s mother left after drop-off that morning, Lila began screaming and refusing to take off her shoes or put her school bag away. She refused to do anything. The noise was deafening, and the other children, many of whom were new, were visibly frightened. I walked Lila to the school library, hoping that some quiet time with a book might help her calm down. I was wrong. She intensified her defiance and tried to run towards the door leading outside. She was out of control, and I had to restrain her to keep her from escaping outside to the parking lot. After about 30 minutes and a few books, Lila said she was ready to go back to her classroom, and we walked there together.

This script played out for the rest of the week. I started coming into the classroom and onto the playground to make positive connections with Lila and to build trust. On Friday of that week, before Lila left for the day, Jackie and I spoke with her together. Jackie said, “Lila, I feel sad when you scream in the classroom in the morning. I’m worried that you might hurt yourself. It seems like you’re sad too.”

Lila said, “Yes, I’m sad. I want to be with my mom.”

Jackie replied, “That makes sense. It can be really hard to leave your mom and come to a new place. I wonder if we can figure out a way together that might make things easier for you in the morning. What do you think?”

“I guess so,” said Lila. Together, we brainstormed a few ideas and decided that I would wait with Lila on the steps of the classroom after drop-off so that Lila could wave goodbye to her mother. Then I would walk her into the classroom. We let her mother know about our plan, and she agreed to go over it on the way to school on Monday.

On Monday, things started to change. By inviting Lila into the problem-solving process, she became mostly cooperative during drop-off and would enter the classroom peacefully. She felt better, I felt better, the teachers felt better, and the children in the classroom felt better. On the few mornings where she wanted to chase her mother down the street, I would simply ask her, “What was our agreement?” A few moments later, we would walk quietly into the classroom.

References

1. Montessori, M. (1995). The absorbent mind. Hentry Holt and Company. 250.
2. Doerfler, L. A., Volungis, A. M., & Connor, D. F. (2020). Co-occurence and differentiation of oppositional defiant and mood disorders among children and adolescents. Journal of Child and Family Studies
3. Dreikurs, R. (1990). Children the challenge. Plume. 36.
4. Nelsen, J., DeLorenzo, C. (2021). Positive discipline in the montessori classroom. Parent-Child Press.